How does one write the unexpressable? I find myself, daring myself to be true; realizing the bridge so difficult to cross. I don't want to inflict harm, and yet at the same time, I know keeping silent only worsens my already fragile exsistence.
Being in the company of my father is beginning to wear on me. Not only is he losing his mind, his memory...he's losing the ability to see those who love him as trustworthy. I'm in a classic struggle~~burning out. He is consistently negative & angry. The passing of my mother put us all in a tail-spin. Now, his children are running from him. Nothing is ever "good enough"..I'm no longer good enough in his eyes.
He screams and shouts irrational things; slams doors; and, jumps down my throat when I try to be helpful. He forgets himself, and does not see the hurt he causes.
There is no getting well. Each week is getting more difficult to care for him. I'm exhausted.
Home is no longer home.